A handful of pills. It was an almost. A near miss.

By: Debbie Moore-Black, RN

TRIGGER Warnings: Near Suicide attempt, domestic abuse, Infidelities of husband, poor “marriage”, cancer, death. But with much therapy and raising wonderful children…. A thankful life filled with grace and thankful that I did not end my life.***

I sat in that dilapidated trailer. Alone. In the woods. Five acres of trees that crowded the blue sky.
My fist was filled with aminophylline pills. 60 pills to be exact. I was an asthmatic. I figured 60 pills would be enough to end it all. Maybe V tach and then death. No one would ever find me. Not in this forest.

We moved there to get away from the city. To be pretend hippies and live off the land.
We were young lovers. I truly thought I found my magic man. I was naive. I didn’t know. That his love, his gas lighting, his incredible charm was really a bunch of red flags.
When all of your life you’re told by your parents, your core, your safety net, you’re told, like a broken record, that you’re fat and ugly and stupid.

And he, the magic man, throws breadcrumbs of love. And I grabbed them. Because it’s all I ever had. Were his breadcrumbs.

For four years I thought we lived in bliss. He’d stare into my eyes and tell me how much he loved me. And I believed him.
I was in the middle of nursing school. Halfway through. I was almost there.

And he started to distance himself from me. Coming home late from work. Sleeping on the couch. Going on business trips with her…. But it was all “business.”
After four years of our new beginnings. Our first four years of marriage the truth was revealed.

My husband. My magic man. My everything was having an affair with a woman he was working with. Four years. Our marriage of four years. Just a farce.

The day I found out was the day he left me and ran off to Texas where his brother lived.
He packed his bags. He said he had to take care of himself. I said and finally realized that’s all he has ever done…is take care of himself.

Her husband was a deer hunter. Grabbed his gun and was going to come after my husband.
A country song couldn’t have done this justice.

Four years of marriage. Four years of my husband deceiving me and having an affair.
In the middle of nursing school.

I held the 60 pills in my hand.
I looked at the Bible. I prayed.
Pink Floyd was on the record player singing “Shine on you crazy diamond”

I stared at the pills. I felt crazy. But I knew I was a diamond. I chose not to ingest these pills.
I chose to finish nursing school.
An older nurse told me to wrap my troubles in a blanket and send them up to God.

He was a continuation of my parents.
I had poor survival skills.
Afraid to go out. But afraid to stay in.
But I chose not to take my life.

Eventually we tried to repair. Three children later brought me great joy. And I loved my life through them.
Because though my husband came back to me with a litany of forever apologies…. He never changed his ways.
He was unfaithful to the end.
And in the end
After his liver and pancreatic and lungs and lymph node cancer
We scattered his ashes into the winds on a mountaintop.

Though I’ve had a tormented soul, there had to be a guardian Angel watching over me.
And I look into my little granddaughters eyes. Their innocence but brilliance. Their magic. Their beauty. And there’s nothing more in life that I want or need.
But my children. My grandchildren and my puppies at my side.

Don’t give up.
Call for help.
Help is available.
Call #988
That little light inside of you shines through.